Atlanta After People

29 04 2009

Kudzu Takes Over Atlanta

Apparently the popular History Channel series “Life After People” featured Atlanta, along with Chicago and London, last night.   And I for one am pissed that I didn’t get to watch the slow deterioration of my hometown!  Where were you “informed” blogosphere and ATL know-it-alls!?

I guess I’ll have to make do with watching clips on the show’s website.

From what I can tell, it looks like Chicago got a majority of the focus in last night’s episode as the Chicago River flooded downtown, Wrigley Field was blanketed in ivy and the cities two tallest buildings (Sears & Hancock) crumbled to the ground.  Here in Atlanta, the illustrated results of a human-free environment were limited to kudzu-run-amok and the quick proliferation of feral pigs.  (If that isn’t a reflection of stereotypes about the South, I don’t know what is!)

But after watching simulations of that quick-growing vine taking over our city streets and transit lines, I’ve been inspired to preemptive action.  I am calling for the immediate importation of thousands of feral goats to the city.  I want to see kudzu-eating goats everywhere!  Not just at Decatur cemetery, but on our streets and in our neighborhoods, eating everything in sight!  And once they’ve dealt with the kudzu, we’ll use our army of goats to combat those crafty feral pigs!  Goats v. Pigs! Goats v. Pigs!

My political future is bright.  Oh yes.

h/t: 13th Floor

Kessler Returned to the Table

17 04 2009

In a stunning reversal from earlier this week, the AJC announced yesterday that former food writer John Kessler has been allowed to return to the dinner table.

The startling about-face by the Atlanta daily from its earlier hardline that Kessler would no longer be allowed to consume any food henceforth, apparently had something to do with top brass at the paper not knowing the full details of Kessler’s new “assignment.”

The break down in communication came to a head on Thursday morning, when an unnamed AJC exec came upon Kessler in a hallway at the paper’s Marietta St. headquarters, already ghostly thin and scribbling on a napkin about the “subtle undertones” of a half eaten Lenders bagel that he had apparently pilfered from someone’s desk.

“I hadn’t heard of John’s newest assignment”, said the exec who’s name I’ve conveniently forgotten, “and when I saw him writing that stale bagel review from a fetal position my heart just melted.  I marched straight to the newsroom and demanded some answers.  When all I encountered was finger-pointing and something about a new “reality” column under that adorable weather report, I put the kibosh on it.”

With the surprising change of fortune, Kessler is back on the food-beat.  There are already reports this morning that he’s shaved the body-length beard he had grown and was again fitting snugly into his favorite polo shirts.

Asked if his experiences over the past week would influence his future writing, John replied, “I realized that I never really appreciated the fine art of cold, stale foods.  I think its uncharted territory.  Its a medium I hope to fully explore in the weeks ahead.  I already have a brain-full of ideas for articles on things like Chef Boyardee straight from the can, the complex aging process of a Hot Pocket, and the chocolicious flavors imparted to a piece of Hostess Cupcake chipboard.”


The real story of the AJC’s reversal can be found here.

Thanks to Andisheh and Carl for pointing out John’s Facebook update.

John Kessler No Longer Allowed To Eat Food

15 04 2009

Thoughtfully opinionated journalists and bloggers everywhere continue to scowl and salivate over their keyboards with news from the “fallout” of what’s become known among journalistic inner circles as “The AJC’s List of the Damned 74.”

The list was leaked earlier this week by a recent journalist turned blogger, and since then everyone who thinks they have a voice online is pissed about something.  Art critics gone.  Beat reporters reassigned to cover baby panda chewing.  Caged monkeys forced to write fake classified ads to fill space and save face.  Talk of moving the AJC back to its old abandoned location/eye sore, which once every couple years spontaneously bursts into flames.

And now this morning, the shocking news no one ever even dreamed of getting the opportunity to post/tweet outrage about:

The AJC has instructed food writer John Kessler to stop eating.

In a suspicious “leaked” note, the AJC writes “To Whom It May Concern, Food Writer John Kessler is no longer allowed to consume food or drink.  If you see Kessler eating ANYTHING or he asks you for food, please call the AJC’s “John Kessler is Eating Again” Hotline at 1-866-THIN-JOHN.  He knows what he did.  Sincerely, The AJC”

Already the sphere of blogs and tweets are puking up posts about the move, calling it “remarkably stupid” and “gut-kicking“.  “Doesn’t the AJC realize that humans need to eat to live?!” wrote one angry, yet still curiously alt & hip writer from Creative Loafing.  “If Kessler doesn’t eat, he will most likely die!”

Faced with these accusations, the AJC responded with the same five words that ended their first letter, “He knows what he did.”

As for Kessler himself, no one has seen or heard from him since word got out yesterday.  There were reports he was seen trolling Broad Street during lunch time Tuesday, but was chased off by a flock of angry, one-eyed pigeons. Others say he’s appealing to Facebook friends to send him flat foods like pita bread and Fruit Roll-Ups via his mandated, daily hardcopy of the AJC.

Only time will tell whether Kessler can survive this forced fast.  But don’t fret gentle readers.  You can be sure that both citizen and qualified opinionators alike will keep you abreast of Kessler’s future movements and impending weight-loss.  Even the AJC is getting into the act.  The paper has promised a new reoccuring front page feature, directly below the maddeningly cute 4-word front-page weather forcast called:

“Food No More with John Kessler”


OK, I’ve had my fun for the morning.

But seriously, the AJC has taken Kessler off of food writing and moved him to “Sunday personality profiles.”  How Kessler feels about the move is still unknown, beyond the “Yowza” he reportedly wrote on his Facebook page.   (Seriously, I’m not making that up)

In my opinion, Kessler is one of the paper’s best writers, and THE best blog writer they have.  He gets the medium better than most at Marietta St.  Hopefully this new gig will open new creative doors for him and bring his witty, smart writing to an even larger audience.  Best to ya John.

Best Web Search Of the Day

9 04 2009

Scrolling the list of web searches that bring people to your blog is often hilarious and sometimes terrifying.  Here’s my favorite from this morning…

“your dekalb farmer’s market smell blog”

I must admit that I’ve always dreamed that this would be my legacy.  “Kids, when grandpa was a boy, there was a really bad smell and he decided he wasn’t going to stand for it anymore…”

Easter Egg Hunt or Child Riot? You Decide.

31 03 2009

As Decatur Mom and the Decatur Minute point out, this Saturday is the DBA’s annual Easter Egg Hunt on Decatur Square.  They both have all the details, so pay them a visit.

I, however, am momentarily entertained by this Decatur Minute pic from last year, which uncaptioned seems to document some kind of child riot on the Square.

Could this be from the Great Playground Walkout of 2008?

Zombies Rehab Hi-Tech Gas Station

27 02 2009

Scott sends in a pic of our newly redesigned Hi-Tech gas station, courtesy of Zombieland Pictures.

I gotta believe its not permanent.  What a strange property.


Didn’t Think Inflation or Spelling Was a Problem?

9 02 2009

Russ has a pic of the Decatur McDonald’s sign that advertises two “McMuttins” for an eye-popping price.

Cheers to Carl for forwarding!

I don’t know how to explain the high price of McMuttins, but maybe what looks like a spelling error is just a way of saving money by moving to a 25-word, f-less alphabet.

Where Do You Live?

6 02 2009

A little DM demographic study…

DeKalb Police: Funkified

23 01 2009

This is pure genius.

Preston Craig (of the former Decatur Social Club) points us to a post on his kissatlanta blog that tells the story of an album created by rapper “ytcracker”, which was created by taking all the ridiculous wav files that used to play in the background on different pages of the DeKalb County Police website, and setting them to smart, hilarious lyrics.  The really amazing thing is that yt did it all in 10 hours, according to Craig.

Since the release of the online album, DeKalb PD has recently removed all of the audio from its website.  ytcracker responds…

DEPRESSING NEWS: since we have released the album and it has become a sensation overnight because of how awesome and famous we are, the ORIGINAL DCPD sites NO LONGER are hosting the banging beats that they once were. you can look in the left navbar of every page on the website and they still have the music on/off text and the flash code for the player is still in the html source, but everything that was in their /music/ directory has been deleted. we are working on mirroring the site to restore it to it’s full glory.

You can listen to the entire profanity-free album over on Craig’s kissatlanta blog.  Or better yet, download the whole thing for free here.

And Craig is right when he says that track 4 “executive_command” is the best of the bunch.

2008 DM Trivia

2 01 2009

A couple Decatur Metro trivia questions as we leave 2008 behind…

1. Which Decatur Metro post received the most hits in 2008?

2. Which Decatur Metro post had the most comments in 2008?

Keep in mind that for a specific post to receive a “hit”, it must be clicked on specifically – not just read off the main page. That means that posts with comments usually receive more hits. However, posts that are externally linked to a lot or wind up at the top of a Google search also receive a good number of “hits”.

That said, a couple of hints: the answers to questions 1 and 2 are different and both were mentioned in my year-end summary.

Any guesses?